Hello? Anybody out there? It's me, Niva.
It's been seven months since my last blog post. A very dramatic seven months, indeed. I moved from the rural area I once lived in to a small town; I started a second PT job, buried my father's ashes, and have become more involved in local issues and politics.
And I still haven't been writing.
Some of my new friends don't even know I am a writer. Many don't know about the situation that brought me to upstate NY in the first place, the loss and trauma that proceeded that move. I don't go around talking about it, so why would anyone know unless they ask? Even when they do ask, I tend to answer in vague terms.
I told myself that I'm on a writing hiatus because I need to "live life" for a little while, which is all well and good... except what the hell is the point of life if I'm not writing? That's what I do. And I miss it.
There have been signs here and there that I need to get back to it. Take, for instance, this conversation I had with a woman - let's call her J - around the beginning of the year.
We were engaged in a business meeting when J unexpectedly said, "Do you mind if I share something personal with you? I know we just met, and I don't usually do this, but I read some of your writing online and feel like you would understand."
"Go ahead," I told her.
"I haven't even told some of my closest friends... but my husband was recently diagnosed with Stage IV ___ cancer."
"I'm sorry to hear that," I said quietly, trying to keep pity out of my voice.
"Can I ask you some questions? I don't know who else to talk to," she said.
Of course, ask away, I told her.
She proceeded to ask me numerous questions about Kaz... how had I handled the news of his diagnosis, how involved was I with his care, what was his mood like, how had I kept him motivated, how long did he fight it, when did he start to accept the inevitable, when did I accept the inevitable, was I there when he died, what was that moment like, how had the whole experience affected my life, how long did it take for things to feel "normal" again... and more.
As I answered all her questions, in the back of my mind I was thinking, you are who I'm writing my book for. In fact, I wished I could have just handed her my book and said, "Read this. All the answers are inside."
Answering her questions brought me back to memories and moments that I hadn't thought about it a long time. It took some effort to recall them without getting emotional, and I didn't want to get emotional because it wasn't about me, it was about her (I was relieved that she didn't get emotional either).
Her expression was actually one of wonder, and intense listening. She was clearly hungry for information, which made my heart ache. I remember being in her shoes, painfully curious about what the future held, desperate to speak to someone who could illuminate all the dark corners, hungry for answers in what was a perpetual state of not knowing.
I left our meeting feeling raw and somewhat drained, and sad for what this couple was going through, but also inspired. I told myself that when I returned to writing, I would keep this woman in my thoughts... and write to her.
It also occurred to me that maybe I haven't been writing lately because I don't want to "go back" there anymore. I wanted to focus on the present and the future, and take a break from the past.
Then the other day I met another woman who had left New York City several years ago to be her mother's caregiver... her mother had had the same type of brain tumor as Kaz and succumbed to it nine months after diagnosis.
When we discovered this huge thing in common, it was like a light went off behind both of our eyes. We hardly knew each other, and yet we instantly knew so very much about one another. As she put it, it's rare to meet another person who has witnessed, and been intimately involved with, the slow decline of a loved one, especially to an illness that affects the neurological system.
"People need to hear your story," she told me. "Why did you stop writing?"
I explained to her my theory about wanting to live life and not keep going back to the past, but even as I said the words, I knew the hiatus was over.
Another impetus has been the election.
There is so much divisiveness and negativity in the non-stop news cycle these days, and so little empathy and compassion for one another, even less so for the marginalized. I find myself wondering about all the aspects of life that transcend politics, rhetoric and differences. Where are the voices that will bring us together? And what can I do personally to make a difference?
Well, this is it. I have thought about this blog so much, about you the readers, and my fellow bloggers. And I'm here to say that the bitch is back.
Looking forward to catching up with you.