Being Okay With Being Disliked

Do you care if people like you? Or do you care if certain people like you?

Not that long ago, I used to want everyone to like me and (surprise) be insecure about it. If someone didn't respond to an email, call me back, or accept an invitation to hang out, I used to wonder, What did I do? Does this person not like me anymore? Did they ever?

Over the years, several so-called friends (all female) ended our friendship because they perceived me as doing something wrong, or their feelings were hurt by something I did or said. One woman got mad at me because I had lunch with her ex-boyfriend after he broke up with her. He was a screenwriter and we were discussing one of my scripts at the lunch, but my friend thought I was trying to "move in on her territory." Nothing I could say or do would appease her. She simply didn't want to be friends with "someone who would do that."

On the other hand, I've had some friends since childhood, girls with whom I've had terrible rows and not talked to for periods of time. Some of my closest friends are the ones I've fought with the most, like my friend T, the producer. She once hired me, a relatively new friend to her at the time, as a director on a project. We had such heated arguments that our friendship almost didn't make it. Now, years later, I consider her family and there's nothing I wouldn't do for her.

In the digital age, the word "like" has taken on even more significance. People "like" your blog posts, "like" you on Facebook, "favorite" or "re-tweet" your tweets, and so on.

If you're an artist, as much as you try to be true to yourself and ignore bad reviews, it's hard not to wonder if people will like your work, if not wish for it.

If you're a writer of non-fiction, or even fiction, the reality is you might be disliked by the people you've written about, or the people who "inspired you." Philip Roth, Ernest Hemingway, William Faulkner, F. Scott Fitzgerald, William Burroughs, Stephen King, and countless others, all based stories and characters on their own lives and experiences. Did everyone in their lives like this? Doubtful.

I sometimes think about this with my own work. Some of the people who stood by me during Kaz's illness and after his death might not like what they read in my memoir. Should I change things to try and avoid falling out of their favor? Scary as the prospect might be, I don't think so.

My relationships with people are important. But the fact is, if someone decides to stop being friends with me because of something I write (or say, or some perceived offense), then perhaps they weren't my real friend to begin with. They might have thought they loved me, but in reality they loved an image of who they thought I was, not who I really am.

I want to be a good friend and a good person, make my family and friends proud. Most of all, make Kaz proud. But I no longer care (as much) if people like me personally. I no longer take people's reactions, or lack thereof, as personally as I used to. It's not that I'm oblivious, or made of stone. I'm the first to admit I have a healthy ego. The difference is I no longer judge myself by how others perceive me. I try my best to love myself no matter what.

Can you relate?