Doubling Down on the Dream
How does one make a living as an artist? Not asking for a friend.
My friends and I sometimes play this game called “If Money Were No Issue”.
If money were no issue, what would you do?
“I would live in penthouses all over the world, do drugs, and f*ck a lot of high-class hookers,” a friend answered. He’s a freelance journalist.
Another friend once told me she would bake every day. She’s a documentary producer.
“What would you do?” she asked me back.
“I would make films!” I exclaimed, as if it were obvious. I’m an independent filmmaker.
My dream has always been to make films. “Films that bring people closer together by inspiring them to relate to a different point of view than their own,” I wrote in a recent grant application.
And I have made films. Good ones. Award-winning, even. But I made them some time ago before losing my husband, my father, and then my brother, all in the span of ten years. Those events, plus moving across the country to start fresh, were huge off-ramps from the highway of ambition that I had been speeding down.
Then the pandemic happened, and in all the craziness I delved into creativity head first as a means of salvation and found my authentic self… writing screenplays and living a full-time creative life.
And creatively it paid off.
Today, I’m in the middle of directing my third short film and about to start fundraising for my fourth. I have two feature screenplays and two television pilots ready to go. I’ve been on two writer’s residencies in two years, and this year traveled to Ireland and Israel (more on that later) for work. My days are full with meetings, phone calls, planning, writing, research, correspondence… basically, grinding. I’m blessed in many, many ways, and I don’t take any of it for granted.
The only problem is I have no security. Every month I manage to cobble together enough to eek by through a combination of freelance work, credit cards, and occasional paid writing/directing gigs. But barely. And it’s not for a lack of hard work.
Apparently, mine is a lifelong quest to figure out: How does one make a living as an artist? Not asking for a friend.
From observing my peers, it seems the answer is: to be independently wealthy, to work a full-time job, to have a spouse, to own multiple investment properties, to have between one and four roommates or live with your parents, or some combination of the above.
Of course, you could also sell your work. But that seems like winning the lottery in today’s post-strike climate.
And in the meantime, it feels like there’s a ticking clock getting louder each day. Not the biological clock - the actual ticking clock of Time.
“How much longer does she have to pursue this madness?” I can see the thought in some of my friends’ eyes. Or maybe it’s my own subconscious reflecting in their eyes. In moments of weakness, sometimes wonder, am I super tenacious… or delusional? Have I made ALL THE WRONG DECISIONS?
Then I shake the negative thoughts away. Get back, evil spirits!
But the truth is, without getting an enormous break very soon, like getting hired for a writer’s room, or selling one of my screenplays, or finding a duffle bag of no-strings-attached legal money… I will have to go back to a job job. Also known as a day job.
Of course, there’s worse things than having a job job. From where I stand, the stability and security it would provide would feel like coming in from the cold and sitting by a warm fire. But I also know that once you have that security, it’s much harder to pursue your art with the same energy, and even harder to return to the level of risk that an artist life seems to require.
“Do you think I could get a well-paying part-time remote job with benefits where I could make my own schedule?” I asked a friend the other night.
“Hmmm, I don’t know,” he replied slowly. Then we both laughed so hard we started crying.
I know I need to get over it.
BUT
Since it’s the season of miracles and wish-making, I’ve decided to proclaim my intentions for the new year.
Last New Year’s Eve, I yelled my 2023 intentions into a forest in Austerlitz, NY and everything pretty much happened. I don’t know if it was directly related, but I do believe there is power in saying things out loud. This year, I’m sharing my intentions here, with all of you as my witnesses.
In 2024:
I’m going to make two short films. I’m going to secure the creative team and begin pre-production on my feature film. I’m going to make six figures. I’m going to travel to Europe, the Middle East, and Africa. And I’m going to continue to lay the foundation for an independent life because living independently is my happy place.
Yes, I’m doubling down on the dream.
And I’ll be sharing all the trials and tribulations here.
The Think Tank is going to be a place for inspiration, questions, musings, observations, and commiserating.
The struggle is real. Thank you for joining the Tank!